I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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