Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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