I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
