Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
