capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize