I accidentally burped into my bong.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
