Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
