I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
try to milk me bitch
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize