i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
