I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I stole a fireplace last night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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