I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
