so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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