I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
