i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
