So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize