Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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