I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
