We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
