It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize