I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
