So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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