Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
