The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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