I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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