He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
