I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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