At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
