I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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