accomplished twins. life is a go
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize