I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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