I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
