i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
