I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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