Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
