Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
