The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
