i think my tv is drunk
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
