you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
