I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
