Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
