I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
