Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
