i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
