I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
