what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
