I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
