I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
