Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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