I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize