remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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