Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The Olympian is in my bed
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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