shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
