She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
