Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
