I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
