i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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