Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
