I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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