I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
