All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
