you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
